UPS(C) and downs

 

This picture is dated 12 January 2021. 

2020 - I had started my UPSC preparation in September 2020 when I was in 3rd year of my Bachelor's degree. Things were not going well given the year I was in - at an individual level or globally. Third year was making me count the missed opportunities, mistakes, could've beens and what not of college life. I was filled with rage and helplessness. UPSC seemed like a good engagement for the wandering mind. I would study Geography in my dark room alone by taking the globe and shining my phone's light on it to understand rotation and seasons. It was a dark time truly, and most of my days ended how it's shown in the attached picture. Just a blue glare coming from my devices. I soon started slacking off. I would miss hours worth of classes trying to rely on recordings, miss those trying to rely on books and ultimately got left behind in Economics and History. The damage was substantial and I lost stamina because of not being able to take care of myself. I would loath myself for not reading my NCERTs in 1st and 2nd year of college and felt burdened by this constant playing catch up with even my basics. It was a downward spiral mentally. All my past exams would haunt me. Boards, NEET, everything. I was scared and I hadn't recovered. People underestimate how much academic invalidation hurts in the culture we live in. 

2021 - I wanted to change the way I had been studying and hated the way life had become. My physical and mental health had deteriorated. The pile of books seemed like a gigantic mountain. I would try to skim through the assigned workbooks and coaching material but never referred to the recommended booklist. I would try to filter out "important stuff" for the tests or study very selectively. Ethics classes began around this time and they really boosted my morale. I was staying up to date with the schedules and keen on my assignments. Soon, prelims leave began. I wasn't giving an attempt because of not being 21 years old. I tried to study on my own as much as possible and went into the quest of deciding my Optional. It became clear - Public Administration. I studied it diligently till the same loop took over again towards the last parts. I missed Paper II classes 

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