avirtualdiary

TW: Domestic Violence To talk about my queer relationship, it’s essential to talk about my relationship with queerness itself. Relating to queerness as a kid was scary because I experienced repeated sexual assault by girls then. That’s how I figured I was gay. Or, at least, that’s why I denied my queerness. My identity had always felt like a matter of shame. While finishing school, my suppressed past would haunt me. I was going to go to an ‘all girls college’ and I dreaded the idea of a potential ‘college romance’. My first month there, I looked at a girl’s hands and felt like they looked as beautiful as ocean waves. I cried my eyes out that day; it was a moment of catharsis. I gradually felt more secure to open up. Another turning point was falling in love with my best friend and being oblivious to this fact, which was so visible to everyone else. We were in denial but I’d never felt safer, in my skin, with her. I think a reason we don’t go for our best friends is our belief that they...

" f*ck off. "  i regret not saying these words enough times or to enough people - i read this on Instagram today.  made me think. i've always swallowed these words in front of the people i've really wanted to say it to. and the people who have been really dear to me, or were - are the ones i've wanted to say this to the most.  but it's ironic, i wouldn't say it to someone i don't care about but i can't say it to someone i just don't care about.  isn't it?

 a virtual diary.  but i already have so many physical ones.  the blue one for the poems i wrote. yellow one for the poems i read. black one for theatre. red one to write about grief. leather bound one for sketches and dried leaves. spiral notebook to plan for life. a daily planner to sort out my life - TinyChange it's called.  Atomic habits, micro changes, showing up, working on self. whatever we may call it. i'm trying to find a way through it. sometimes, i feel like i'm keeping a log of life. noting down thoughts, categorizing my experiences into personal, academic, hobbies, new learnings, reminders, work and blah blah. i am documenting at a war footing. oblivion scares me.  i look back often. what boxes did i tick in the last week. things that i was grateful for, my achievements, monthly goals and all that. i forget if i met my friend yesterday or a year ago. time is like a chewing gum. i stretch it and contract it as i like. it's a fun play. it makes me gig...

this blog exists here today as one of the ways of me trying to scream into the void. i'd like to introduce myself a little bit. i think i am a very expressive person who can change a 100 emotions on their face within the span of 1 minute. yet, i try to find multiple creative channels of expressing because why choose direct communication when you can make a complex metaphorical and ciphered poem out of life. maybe i will share some of it here as and when time proceeds. here are a few one-liners i wrote recently that are words i'd like to hear, use to console others or things i ask myself but don't want to know the answers of: - i know it'll get better, right? - do you think i'm a nice person? - i know exactly what i want - my mind is racing and i don't know how to stop. - mai aur mera kavi mann - i am at peace with myself - amor fati - i'm doing this for my mental health - amma? . - i promise i'll do it later - i can't ask for help - i'm not weak ...